Tuesday, 29 August 2023

pleasure extension

swallow fish and barnacle rock, steep steps up but harder down on heel-press, cut, want to bone. not having the right words for this new country. found goggles and fresh eyesight down to the base where a white bag hung like jellyfish and a plastic cup surfaced, reserved for the bin - eat up, eat up. buongiorno and words misunderstood. waiting for initiative but it doesn't work that way. beautiful man chipping at marble drain covers - hammer and dark hair, face down into the ground. hands on hips and thighs, proprietary. patron. pool and gather resources. espresso. due. my due. paid but also not. idyll that can't last so rag rag rag. not good enough to stop the shutter at the speed we need. too late. texts sent home and more questions than answers. more answers than we knew to ask for. fior di latte. i don't know the right words but i know they're not these. topless in the sea. naked and topless and anyone could see - old man, green shorts, vegetables growing. artichoke weeds and peaches on the verge - grass scrub, dark phone lit, pair of men, dog between the legs, not bad people just a lift to the bar. plenty out and too young to kiss so just one there, on the cheek. prego. burned legs. instagrammers i admire eat chicken from fast food shops and i feel strange. i read my old self's wishes and i feel sorry. i'm sorry. there is so much more. look up. catch eyes with flowers i can't name. but when i float up i'm carried. it's miraculous. i'm carried and i could flip over backwards, feet in the air, and find myself in otherworld caves climbing out to this brighter light, if i could only fall - open - apart - up.

L x

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Thursday, 29 July 2021

Starting Again II


I have lived before, and imagined, and written, and been read - but when life is very hard, these things feel impossible to acknowledge or remember. 

So I'm going back to basics - I find the trunk from under the bed and pick through old achievements, pictures, stories, fragments. I find my first prize-winning poem - a sonnet. I find demented drawings. I find shrines to people I've loved and friends I'll always call mine. 

L x

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Thursday, 22 July 2021

Break



break (verb)


to (cause something to) separate suddenly or violently into two or more pieces, or to (cause something to) stop working by being damaged

to destroy or end something, or to come to an end

to fail to keep a law, rule, or promise

to go somewhere or do something by force

to lose your confidence, determination, or ability to control yourself, or to make someone do this

to become known or to make something become known

(of waves) to reach and move over the beach, hit a cliff or wall

(of the weather) to change suddenly and usually become worse

(of dawn or day) when dawn or day breaks, the sun starts to appear in the sky early in the morning

a short period of rest


I sat in the common that was more mine than anyone else's. I knew the roots of every tree, the place to find the damsons, the loops to make when you wanted to walk for hours without seeing a car. 

I wrote on a fallen trunk. The date: the same as all the days before. I wrote about all the ways a body could break and all the ways it could be forced. To split in two, four, six, more, to reach too far over beaches and cliffs and lakes and walls, to rise too early, to change irrevocably, to become worse suddenly, to feel the hurt violently, to be so destroyed that the only thing left is to end completely. But when you survive, there are ways to make hope out of all that breaking, and the rotten parts start to give way to green shoots and new years.

The date hadn't changed in a month and three days, but I would - eventually. I wouldn't be a coward. I wouldn't walk on and say nothing. In the night, three boys sang Angels outside the bedroom window and when I woke up there were fresh sunflowers by the pillow. I sat amongst blue velvet cushions, drank coffee from a small cup, and put on a new white shirt. The air smelled as I knew it would and the sky was as blue. I slipped out into a morning already as warm as skin and went to reclaim the pieces that had survived.        


L x

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Saturday, 26 May 2018

Starting Again


[More of a rambling life update than a blog post, but maybe that’s what this is for?]

So, I finally quit my job in March, and have been trying to navigate money-making, job-searching, and creative-life-building ever since!

I enjoyed tutoring and working with children, but the lifestyle (or the way that I was managing it) was making me very unwell and unhappy. With weekly migraines, erratic schedules, and constant stress, I found myself in bed for days on end, followed by always-slightly-headachy hours on the computer planning lessons and travelling to and from distant areas of London for lessons. I loved working with my students, and was especially enamoured with the younger ones, who showed their enthusiasm (or boredom) without any reservations, unironically declared their love of school, and begged for more homework (or hid under the sofa, depending on their mood).

Fortunately, after leaving that job, I’ve had the time to explore migraine treatments and eventually found an amazing osteopath and acupuncture specialist who could help. I had three sessions with him and have only had one almost-migraine since then. Turns out using the laptop was the main cause of the problem, so long sessions of online tutoring and intensive lesson planning certainly didn’t help. Less fortunately, leaving due to illness meant that I had no alternative jobs lined up, so I’ve spent a lot of time over the past two months sending out applications. I found some part-time work quite quickly, including freelance writing, proof-reading, and editing. More recently, I started as an Assistant Producer at a small feminist theatre company, which has shown me how much I love working in theatre and production (and, even if it does sound extremely dull, being organised). I also started doing some social media marketing for a cool craft market in London, through which I’ve already met some lovely makers and impressive entrepreneurs. Their successes doing what they love will hopefully prove inspirational. (Annoyingly, everything I write now has undertones of (bad) cover letters…)

Living in London remains expensive and tiring at times, but in amongst job applications and freelance/part-time work, there are sunny days, friends, and time to fill with creative things. I’ve been recipe-developing, writing, and co-producing and -directing a theatre show which will be at the Roundhouse in July and at Underbelly during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (mabelandmickey.wordpress.com). I’m also trying to find moments for smaller things – reading, swimming, gardening, drawing. Hunting for house plants. Watching weird films. Eating dinner in the garden. And writing – there’s always room for more writing.


Lx

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Monday, 4 September 2017

A New Place


Moving to London and stumbling into a job before I know what’s happening. Not to say that any of this was easy – or that I am completely happy with where I have found myself. I expect that I am bad at adjusting to change. Everywhere I go, I bring a fleet of furnishings, chests of drawers, tranklements, perfumes, coats, and books (with bookcases to house them) – I’m not really in a place until all of this is set up. This time, everything happened so quickly that many things were left behind (all very much my fault): a cream-coloured wooden box containing all my earrings, my winter coats (I’ll have to go home very soon to retrieve these, even if I do it one coat at a time), swimming costume, jars of spices and homemade jam.

My new room is still lovely without these things, thanks to my parents bringing a van-full of furniture for me and my housemates all the way to London. I can now sit at my desk and look out of the huge sash windows onto the apple tree by the fence and the two church spires which seem to bookend our long and narrow garden. We have elaborate plans for cooking and gardening. We want to build raised beds, and grow potatoes, peas, carrots, and herbs, write a cookbook (even if the world doesn’t need another one), and collect lots of plant pots to line the patio. Yesterday I rescued a bag-full of apples from the ground, peeled and chopped them, and have just started to cook them into a sauce for porridge. The laziest form of cooking.



Really, though, all I want is a holiday. I haven’t had time to legitimately do and think about nothing for at least a year. However, here I am, and there’s no time to stop. Instead, a surprising turn of events has me reading maths books in my spare time. Puzzling over fractions, decimals, and lines of symmetry, getting frustrated over long division, and outlining the properties of a rhombus: these are not what my mind was designed for, but I hope I will learn to like (and understand) it before long… All of this means that I haven’t been able to read much else, and have spent too many days without even opening a ‘fun’ book. Fortunately, there is a lovely local library – it’s very airy, with high ceilings and a lot of space in which to work. I’m looking forward to spending more time in there (when we can work out its bizarre opening hours). Our house also has a tiny spare room which we’ve turned into our own miniature library. It’s full of books already and will hopefully encourage (or shame) me into reading again. Maths books are not enough!

xxx 
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Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Going to Edinburgh


I came across this passage recently and something stayed with me, particularly as I've just returned from Edinburgh, a city that was relatively new to me: “Psychogeography: a beginner’s guide. Unfold a street map of London [or, for the sake of context, read ‘Edinburgh’], place a glass, rim down, anywhere on the map, and draw round its edge. Pick up the map, go out into the city, and walk the circle, keeping as close as you can to the curve. Record the experience as you go, in whatever medium you favour: film, photograph, manuscript, tape. Catch the textual run-off of the streets: the graffiti, the branded litter, the snatches of conversation. Cut for sign. Log the data-stream. Be alert to the happenstance of metaphors, watch for visual rhymes, coincidences, analogies, family resemblances, the changing moods of the street. Complete the circle, and the record ends.” – Robert MacFarlane, ‘A Road of One’s Own: Past and Present Artists of the Randomly Motivated Walk’, TLS, 7 October 2005. 

After buying the hideously expensive train ticket and packing a miniature wear-the-same-thing-every-day suitcase, I’m on my way. Edinburgh is around five hours away on the train, plus a forty-five-minute wait in one station with a burning-hot coffee to wake me up. Another friend is also on her way, on a different train speeding through the hills and fields to intersect here. We sit at a train table and play cards and exchange stories. We report job hunts and applications, and each new tale seems more farcical than the last. Even success-stories are comical now. Collected at the other end, we find ourselves in a beautiful, spacious house – staying with another friend, temporary members of the family (or, perhaps, invaders of the kitchen). Two foil-wrapped loaf cakes emerge – we’ve both brought near-identical offerings from home, though the tokens were uncoordinated. Excited younger cousins run around the garden. For a few minutes, we are invited into a game of bubble-chasing, and are ordered to punch and kick escaping bubbles by an angelic four-year-old. We retreat into the city, inspired by poetry in a cave behind a pub. Browse posters and invitations and smiling faces and endorsing phrases that adorn the walls. A man eats dog-food onstage, and the smell takes hours to dissipate.



In the morning, we hover in the kitchen with toast and pyjamas. Released from the house, so much to see, and no sense of direction yet. Walking around an unfamiliar city with a blue and dog-eared Free Fringe map, half in pursuit and half aimless. Wandering this way and that, absently wondering where the next steep-stepped alley leads or which bar will lure you in and hold your attention for the next fifty minutes. The most precious thing you have to give is your time. And a handful of change at the end, if you can. Occasionally there is a goal in mind, a circled point on the map and a hazy sense of which turning to make to reach the show that starts in only ten minutes, tickets bought but still uncollected. A street of bookshops or an invitingly narrow, old-tabled, eclectically-furnished coffeeshop draws the eye. Money-saving lunchbox lunches already bagged, as we walk down a bustling thoroughfare with sweet things baking and fast food in polystyrene waiting to be bought on either side. Old friends cropping up unexpectedly, appearing from the crowd with flyers in hand, in a hurry or pitching themselves, asking you to take a chance and detour to this show, here, starting soon, tickets two-for-one today. Can’t see everything, smile and thank you, but no thank you, we’re on the way to something else. A mess of flyers already scrunched and raindrop-stained at the bottom of my bag. House-bound again. We drink a lot of tea.

It is so busy that sometimes the buildings, the streets and multicoloured shopfronts, the array of vegetarian, vegan, enticing cake-filled cafés become a blurry backdrop that’s hard to remember or visualise. Cameras rarely come out, leaving us with no visual record of what we pass as we hurry to the next time-slot, or meander back home along a memorised route as the evening darkens. Spoken word rhymes still on repeat, punchlines already half-forgotten as we struggle to remember what made us all laugh when the drawing of snow white flipped into view. A confusing miscellany of photographs are assembled at the end of the day, to be deciphered and explained, but they are only really funny if you know the right in-joke. A lot of laughing. No crying, though we were promised heart-wrenches. Perhaps we saw the wrong things for that, but there is always next year.



A day at the beach to escape the crowds. Watch dogs running back and forth instead, and smell the seaweed-air and sleep soundly for it. Taking off shoes to feel the sand and playing throw-and-catch with a perfectly spherical rock. Singing and humming and planning. Paddling for less than a minute in the too-chilly (it’s still Scotland) sea. Speaking nonsense in French and unpicking a joke made in the local chip-shop. Standing in the line of the sunset and picking pink, blue, and yellow flowers as an offering to say thank you so much, before goodbyes. Writing in an old notebook with an enormous museum poster looming from the building on the other side of the road, we plan our return next year. We all go our separate ways with a bundle of ideas to be mulled and explored. See you soon. Waiting for the train home again, in a café for too long but this coffee is strong and it takes time to cool. An hour nearly passed, as the crowds stream from the station and up the hill, to join the general roar that I can hear as I hurry to the train, just announced, sounding from the distant royal mile.

xxx
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Tuesday, 1 August 2017

On Finally Starting a Blog


Hello reader. As you can see, I've once again started a blog. In the past, I’ve written a couple of posts, battling with Wordpress or another site, before remembering I had several essay plans, library trips, and reading lists to get on with. The little, skeletal blog sat there for a day or two before I deleted it, in defeat. This time, however, I’m here to stay. Largely because I’m currently drowning in job applications, cv drafts, and LinkedIn sessions. Writing another minutely-crafted cover letter isn’t really the creative writing I had in mind for this summer.


I’m still not sure what this blog will become. A corner of the internet for me, as everyone seems to say. But it is true that I like the idea of having free reign to ramble, to intertwine dog walks and miscellaneous poems, charity shop trawls and my desire to be a fully-fledged flâneuse, homemade cakes and my ongoing obsession with Virginia Woolf. I hope it won’t prove annoying – to you, or to me. Thank you for following along.

xxx
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